I have decided to start writing a journal to get out the thoughts that I have going in my mind. The intent of this entire blogging scenario is to describe where I am at in my life today and to capture information as I try to improve my outlook and self image.
I am Lance Lyons.
I am a 46 year old white professional male living in the Baton Rouge area. I am an educated man having schooled at University of Louisville and UTEP receiving Bachelors and Masters degrees in Electrical Engineering.
I have been divorced for better than 15 years (i cant remember the exact time) and am still single. I have 2 kids that are my entire life and mean the world to me. I raised both of them for 9 years together and those where some good years. My son still lives with me and we have been the nucleus of the family since 2002. 2002 is the year we moved Baton Rouge from Round Rock, Tx. When we moved my daughter decided to stay with her mother and that was the end of 9 great years of me and my two kids. I love my children and I miss those days. I miss my daughter Katherine very much.
So my son, Landon and I have lived in Baton Rouge since April 2002. It has been a pretty good 7 years. Landon is now 17 years old and is a senior at Episcopal High School in Baton Rouge. This is a really good school and I am glad Landon landed at EHS back in 8th grade.
Landon is a phenomenal golfer. We spent many hours the last 10 years chipping and putting and more chipping and hitting balls at the golf course or driving range. We spent alot of time playing soccer and practicing soccer moves to sustain a child hood career of playing traveling select soccer. With Landon hard work he earned a athletic scholarship to play golf at LSU. I am very proud of him.
Katherine is also doing very well and is in her 3rd year of college at UMHB. She has plans of becoming a doctor and in particular a pediatrician. Who knows what will actually happen but she is focused and I strongly believe that she will succeed. She has the most spectacular attitude and demeanor. There is no evidence that her mom having left when she was 4 yrs old had any effects on her. I am so happy about that and about her positive outlook. I wish I had that positive outlook and energy.
Katherine and I were very close when she lived with us but over time and with her becoming an independent young lady, our relationship is not as close as it used to be and i really hate this.
Any way... we strive to see each other every couple of months but thats it. Its so much fun when it happens though I miss it right now. (tears coming to my eyes)
Landon and I are still close but things are definetly changing. These changes are good changes but ones that dont work very well in my heart. He is a popular and very handsome young man who has had his storied junior golf career followed in baton rouge and published in the local paper. He is also on his way to becoming the career scoring and assist leader in soccer for episcopal high school history. In fact he tied the scoring record last night, held for 3 years by Carter Blanche, in a 3-2 loss to st. martins. Landon is set to attend LSU next year and will move on campus the first year with the other golf recruits for 2010. Smylie, Franco and Andrew.
That puts me where I am today. I am on the verge of being without either of my kids for the reset of my life and this does not set well with me currently. Dont get me wrong, I am very aware that the kids becoming more independent is the right way. Landon should do well as I have had to work in Nashville this entire 2009 year and he has had to live on his own every other week this year. This has meant that he has had to learn to be more responsible which will help him when he starts his next life.
It is Dec 12 today and I am sitting at the house thinking of my scenario. I have to drive back to Nashville tommorrow and I hate having to leave what is my comfort zone and landon. It is tough and it get my mind spinning with negative thoughts which is one of the reasons I wanted to start this journal. My life would be so much better if I would not constantly berate myself. I am constantly thinking negative things about myself and it has been something that has plagued me my entire life but seems to have intensified later in life. As a result of this constant negative thinking, my self image suffers tremendously. Because of this, I find myself alone frequently and without friends... (tears come to my eyes). I sit alone on most nights battling these negative thoughts.
My terrible self image has caused me to
- fear doing things that I should do
- kept me from dating
-kept me from growing a career
- kept me from enjoying my life
I want to change my outlook... I want to change my life. I want to be able to talk with people and socialize without fear and without thinking of what people think of me and my self image.
I recently read a book about changing your self image my imagining the image you want to become. change the negative thoughts and images with positive ones and pictures of me and success. The book is called "with winning in mind" written by Lanny Bassham.
I need to think positive... i deserve to think positive and I will.
